


Ill Musings

by LostUnkownHero



Category: Mass Effect
Genre: Angst, Contemplation, F/F, F/M, Female Shepard - Freeform, Post-Mass Effect 1, Pre-Mass Effect 2, Wishful Thinking
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-08-10
Updated: 2013-08-10
Packaged: 2017-12-23 00:28:08
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 577
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/919833
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LostUnkownHero/pseuds/LostUnkownHero
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Shepard takes a moment to herself to think about Virmire - and if her choice was the right one?</p>
            </blockquote>





	Ill Musings

Shepard thought a lot more of Ashley then people expected her to.

Ashley was a damn good solider that was fighting for a cause. She wanted it that way; sacrificing herself—would’ve wanted it over losing any other over her expense. No matter how lost the cause would’ve, could’ve, been to fight for. It was all the same to her if she could save one more people, even if her mouth and attitude spoke differently in most cases.

Shepard believed it, but didn’t. At least, she didn’t want to.

Every night, late at night, she'd wake up, heart pounding and blood roaring in her ears and all part of her body aching, painfully in a variety of ways. She'd wake a Kaidan snoring beside her and grimace during her completions, and she'd sleep well for a few hours till nightmares woke her up again. Then, she’d get up; slaughter some sons of bitches with the barrel of her gun and the power behind her fist, and go to sleep fitfully, usually without something to fill her gullet.

She was so sick and tired of it.

Shepard curled her legs to her chest in her chair, nursing a mug of processed hot chocolate pinched with booze against her bosom and stared at the wall. How effected would everything be if she had let Kaidan die, and saved Ashley? It was a horrible thought but... she couldn’t deny the guilt. And not just her death.

Shepard could remember their secret smiles over their midmorning slop, their hair mussed and eyes gummy. Those were the mornings she enjoyed most of all, even if some bastard ruined it seconds later. Or if Kaidan walked in with that beautiful beaming face of his, oblivious to their appearances and ogling and drowning Shepard with his puppy love. 

That killed her.

As much as she loved Kaidan - loved his antics, troubles and sincerity and chalvriousness - she couldn’t stop going back to Ashley and her wicked brashness, no matter how bitchy she'd become or vulnerable. How was she supposed to choose over such perfect people?

Apparently she did, on Virmire. And she loathed every moment of it. She loathed Ashley for her stupidity. Why'd she go there? Why not someone else of her crew?  
She loathed Kaidan. The damn idiot set the bomb. Why did he do that? He knew, he knew Ash was still out there, fighting and dying, and they had a chance to salvage her.

What’s a few Geth?

She wondered if Kaidan had died, would she still feel the stabbing guilt of cheating on him, or resolves it to being with Ashley that she was moving on? She didn’t know. Or care. If they could live, if they never met her, or were together and butted her out of their relationship, and Shepard was where Ash was on Virmire, the galaxy would’ve been a more beautiful place, wouldn’t it have?

Shepard's sigh shuddered, and her canteen trembled in her grasp. Sucking in her breath, she stabbed her lower lip till it bled, with her teeth. No more crying.

She had to stop those Cerberus fanatics they ran into. They were a problem. But, inside, she hoped it'd be her last mission against Cerberus. Her last mission: a bullet would tear through her barriers, armors, skin, muscle and tissue, piercing her breast, or the space taking her away. 

Shepard shook her head.

It’s always with grief that brought funny and hopeful thoughts.


End file.
